Afraid of Polyester? You Bet!

Polyester Scares Me

Old age scares me. I’m old, but not that old . . . yet. However, the usual old-age stuff—isolation, my kids getting back at me for all those times I . . . (never mind), being feeble, no driving, smelling like old people—doesn’t scare me as much as some things.

Polyester scares me. Not now, it doesn’t scare me, but like I said, I’m not that old . . . yet. At my current age, I can spot polyester on clothing and bedding tags and avoid it. I have been hoodwinked a few times and purchased what I thought was the smooth, non-irritating texture of cotton. Moments after I place such garments on my body, the itch and sweat dance begins. My body rebels at polyester. My surface cells squirm and twitch when it touches my bare skin—even when it’s only 10 percent or 20 percent or 30 percent. “Quick! Quick! Quick! Get it off!” my epidermis demands. I remove the offending garment and don 100 percent cotton. My skin relaxes, the twitch stops, the itch is gone, the sweat dries.

I’ve been fooled into thinking something is cotton, so I am afraid that when I’m feeble and cannot communicate, some well-meaning person might also think a garment is cotton and put it on me. I will twitch, itch, and squirm, and won’t be able to let someone know what’s wrong. I’ll then sweat until the garment is sopped or I’ll have to drench myself in spit-up or drool until they are forced into changing me. If the replacement garment also is polyester, they might smear some antiperspirant on me (another thing I can’t stand) or even add a bib in an effort to keep me from fouling yet another outfit.

People need living wills and other documents so loved ones (and the legal system) know what they want when they’re no longer able to communicate. I think a personal preference document also is a good idea. The first item on mine will be: “No polyester, under any circumstances. Read all clothing and bedding labels and avoid polyester at all costs.” The next item will be: “No antiperspirants.” An additional note will follow: “If antiperspirants seem necessary, please re-check clothing content and discard all garments with even the smallest percentage of polyester.”