Showing posts with label Fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fear. Show all posts

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Russian Missiles Would Have Annihilated Us

Cold War Wake-Up
It might be better to not know everything—to not be afraid
—to not be very afraid.
Demanding attention, distinctive, and daunting, the frightening blare echoed toward my room. This Baby Boomer’s dormant, yet ingrained, training made me leap into action. Air-raid sirens do that. I jumped out of bed, alert, but questioning, and ran into the living room. “What was that?”
I spied my son, who had slept on the sofa, waking and pressing a button on his phone. “Sorry. That was my alarm,” he said. Alarm, indeed. Shaken, but relieved, I walked away, practicing yet another skill from those Cold War years: trying to calm myself after the all-clear. In gratitude, I noted that I did not have to move away from the windows, crouch beneath furniture, huddle in the hallway, arms protecting my head. I did not have to “Duck and cover!”
Evacuating my family was not necessary. Eating food set aside for emergencies (hurricanes in my current life) would not be necessary. An air-raid shelter would not be our next destination.
Fears calming, I nonetheless continued thinking about those Cold War years of fear and instructions on how to avoid death and destruction. I also thought about the gullibility of adults to believe anything other than death and destruction would be certain should a nuclear attack occur. Concrete bunkers and fallout shelters in basements would have done little to nothing to keep anyone safe. Duck and cover, shield your eyes from the nuclear flash, food stored in cardboard boxes—nothing more than bunk!
Prevailing pundits of the day fed bunk to children and adults. Now-declassified photos, films, and information about the aftermath of the blasts at Hiroshima and Nagasaki (as well as other nuclear tests) have informed us that our civil defense preparations are as laughable as the final scene in Dr. Strangelove.
Not long ago, I watched Trinity and Beyond, a chilling documentary of the history of the atomic bomb, and was reminded of those years of fear—just as the early-morning air raid siren reminded me. As I discussed that era with a friend, I told him about the preparations we thought would help us survive an apocalypse. We considered the word bunker and its root: bunk. Bunk means nonsense. The bunkers we were advised to build and shelter within were bunk in the face of the total destruction of an atom bomb. Russian missiles poised in Cuba and aimed at military facilities in Jacksonville, Florida (where I lived), would have annihilated us.
These decades later, I know it’s all bunk, the shelters, the duck and cover drills, and shielding our eyes from flashes. Canned goods stored in car trunks would have fed no one: Those vehicles likely would have melted and become part of the asphalt roads on which they were parked.
As a child who was fearful about so many things, the threat of nuclear war was the worst fear tacked onto so many others. Already insecure, I felt some protection by participating in the drills and preparations for nuclear war. My family had a plan; our schools had a plan; we thought the government had a plan. That plan, like many others in society, allayed mass hysteria. Mass hysteria would have made any attack scenario unmanageable.
Perhaps It Was Better That We Did Not
Know the Depth of the Threat
On reflection, perhaps it was better that we did not know the depth of the threat and its aftermath. When I view that knowledge with today’s perspective and with the certainty that we would have suffered complete destruction, I feel a sense of relief. It is probably best that I knew so little, that my parents and other adults knew so little. In some cases, it’s best to not know everything, to not be afraid—to not be very afraid. We were afraid enough.
* * * * *
Trinity and Beyond is a documentary containing declassified military documents and footage regarding the development and use of the atomic bomb. Warning: The footage and commentary are graphic and frightening at times. However, the educational value of the film is outstanding.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Cracked Grace: York Peppermint Patties and Depression

Cracked Grace
Fear and Truth
York Peppermint Patties
and Depression
I must become less afraid of alienating people
when I share what’s true for me.

Yesterday was a crappy day. It started out that way and got worse as the hours ticked off. Depression is real. It hurts. Yesterday, I was depressed. My life has changed. My adult daughter and her 18-month-old child have moved in. I love them and want what’s best for them. But my house is not set up for a baby. The cabinet under my kitchen sink is a Superfund Cleanup Site. Glass items beckon throughout the house. Dangerous plants sit waiting to be touched, broken, chewed. I’m adjusting, but it’s taking time.
My work is not satisfying, and it doesn’t pay well. My creative life has been on hold for weeks while I adjust to my real life. Daily rains that cool the heat of Florida summers are a blessing and a trial. Everything grows and it’s too hot to trim, cut, weed.
Chaos reigns. I once thought my house was messy. I was wrong. Set a toddler loose and you relearn messy.
I’m grief-stricken when I see the faces of children in Gaza. I’m grief-stricken when I see the faces of children in Israel. Likewise Iraq, Iran, Syria, Africa, Ukraine, St. Louis. Bombs fall on ISIS and I wonder if it even matters.
The tenant for my house in Massachusetts bought a house and moves in eleven days. Her lease doesn’t expire until January. Surprise!
Basing Too Much on Fear and Money
Social media recently introduced me to a young woman who decided that nothing she did in her life would be based on fear or money. Too many days, I base what I do on fear and money. Yesterday, everything I did was based on fear and money.
Depression is real. It hurts. My throat closed up with the crying lump when I heard that Robin Williams succumbed to depression. It’s real. It hurts. It kills. I spent the last hours of the day yesterday crying off and on, just feeling the pain of the world and feeling the pain of Robin Williams and all those who have depression. Feeling my own pain.
You know it’s been a crappy day when you finally get good news: Poison Control said the jade plant your granddaughter bit into is not toxic.
Depression is real. It hurts. I have it. But I deal with it. I recognize it. I recognized it early on yesterday and I began doing what is necessary to heal it, to soothe the wounds of life and the world. Gentle with myself, I continued through the day and into the evening, knowing that it will pass as it has passed before. Also knowing that if it didn’t pass I would seek assistance. It didn’t come to that.
It was a crappy day and at the end, although still teary-eyed about Robin Williams, ISIS, Gaza, St. Louis, and all the ills of the world, I had hope I would feel better today.
It was a crappy day, and even so, I knew one thing would cheer me. I plopped my sweet granddaughter on my bed. She patted the pillow, beckoning me to sit beside her. She reached toward the afghan at the foot of the bed. I pulled it up and we snuggled beneath it. The best part came next. She pointed to the drawer in my bedside table, and said, “Eat!”
I opened the drawer, got a York Peppermint Patty, opened it, and following our early evening routine, we did indeed, “Eat!”
It was a crappy day, but it ended well. Sometimes that is all we can hope for. Sometimes those bits of grace and York Peppermint Patties are what we need to carry us into the next day and into life.







Monday, July 28, 2014

Fear and Truth

Cracked Grace
Fear and Truth

I must become less afraid of alienating people when I share what’s true for me.