I
Began to Inch My Way Out
.
. . of Depression
The Connected Disconnected
Part
Three of a Continuing Series
Connection
and isolation are the strange bedfellows of our always-on society. I say that I
talked to someone on social media or
someone commented on something I said. The truth is, I didn’t talk or
comment—nor did anyone else. We typed. I also say I was in touch with a friend, but no touch was involved, except my
fingers to a keyboard or a cell phone screen.
Much
of what we call communication and connection now takes place in isolation. Even
when we are with others—friends, family, colleagues—in physical form, one touch
to a keyboard or screen re-creates isolation.
I
don’t fault social media, texting, and electronic communication for the
isolation that plagues many in our culture. But I know that in my darkest days
this summer, most of my contact with people was through screens. Few voices
were heard and little physical presence was felt.
In
that isolation, my fears, once nebulous, took solid shape and grew. Not all my
fears were unfounded, but in the sunless medium of isolation, mushroom-like,
they expanded and took on a presence that dwarfed my own.
The
advice—and it’s good advice—when we’re low is to seek the company of friends
and family. However, during my recent bout with depression, the last thing I wanted to do was call or
visit a friend or family member and burden them with my despondent state. I was
aware my depression was serious and that I was nearing a dangerous level of
despair. The thought of calling someone crossed my mind, but I shied away from
reaching out. I felt guilty about feeling bad. I did not want my
negativity to envelope those with whom I interacted. Worse, I believed people were as weary of my depression as
I was. No way was I going to call anyone. I didn’t want to share that I simply
felt awful, bleak . . .
I
did speak with family, and as I noted in an earlier installment of “Inching My
Way Out, . . .” I kept those conversations superficial.
I
contacted no one, but someone contacted me. A long-time friend calls me to chat
from time to time. Because we have been friends for decades, when she asked how
I was, I was honest. I shared how I felt, how low I was, how despondent I had
been. Even as I shared, I apologized for my honesty. I didn’t want her to feel
bad because I felt bad. Dear friend that she is, she waved aside my apologies.
We spoke for a long time, and just having that connection, being able to
verbalize what had been happening, to say my fears out loud, loosened the grip
of those fears. Sharing on a deep level connected me once again to thoughts,
feelings, to the give and take of friendship, of conversation, of caring.
After
I spoke to my friend, I realized how I had disconnected myself in many ways. I
resolved then that I would reconnect, that I would stay in touch. A few days
after the conversation with my friend, I called my sister. She didn’t answer,
but when she saw my missed call, she called me right away. “Is everything
okay?” she asked. “You never call, so I thought something must be wrong.”
Her
words resonated with my feelings that it was important to reach out more often,
to call, to speak, to visit.
The
Catch 22 is that when I was at my lowest, I ignored the phone calls
I received and made even fewer calls. Therefore, the advice to reach out to
others—although fine advice—doesn’t work if you have fallen into a well of
darkness. Before you fall into that well, if you are susceptible to depression,
my advice is to check your social activity. How long has it been since you
spoke to or visited a family member or a friend? How long has it been since you gathered with others to
celebrate and/or sustain your spiritual beliefs?
My
advice doesn’t end there. Most of us know people who suffer depression, who have dark days, who are sometimes overcome with the demands of
simply being human. If you haven’t spoken to a friend or family member whom you
know has struggled or struggles with depression, contact that person. If you
haven’t spoken to a family member or friend you miss and love, contact that
person even if depression isn’t a factor.
One
invaluable benefit of contacting a person who is suffering depression or
experiencing a life challenge is they realize someone does care about them. That small act can be an open window to look
away from depression.
Human
contact—and I mean voice or in person—keeps us anchored in the world. Knowing
someone cares enough to get in touch sends ripples of care and concern
throughout our existence. Human contact also generates love and laughter in our
lives, keeping us functioning and whole. Interaction with others signals a
healthy life, a healthy psyche.
A
phone call or visit with family or friends isn’t a magic pill to chase demons
away, but it can be a valuable effort to reach out if we are battling demons or to connect with someone whom we know battles demons. Human contact,
voice, touch, involvement, are essential components of inching toward wholeness
that don’t take much effort.
If
someone you love suffers from depression and you haven’t spoken to or seen that
person for an extended period of time, make the effort to get in touch. When
you do, ask how they really are
doing. If necessary, encourage them to seek help. Seek help yourself if
isolation and disconnection have become a pattern in your life.
* * * * *
I
am not a therapist, so if you or someone you love suffers depression, reach
out, get help. However, I do believe we can do some simple things to help
ourselves. My own continuing counsel about inching away from depression
follows:
Ask
yourself if you have spoken to or visited with a friend recently. Ask yourself
if you have spoken to or seen a family member recently.
If
your answer is no, then pick up the phone and make a call. Text messages,
e-mails, and personal messages on social media do not count. You don’t have to
discuss your depression. At the same time, you don’t have to pretend that life
is perfect. The simple act of connecting with people can be the beginning of
inching your way back to wellness.
Aside
from getting out of bed, taking a shower, and connecting with friends and
family, an article I saw on Facebook also helped immensely. I was not
contemplating suicide, and was not ready to give up, but I was darker than I
have been in years. Please read the article and if you are having dark days of
your own, take the suggestions to heart.
The
original can be downloaded in printable form at the following URL:
I
will continue to share additional steps I took to inch my way out of depression.
Note: I welcome comments, even
private ones, especially because depression is not something we want everyone
to know we experience. If you would like to speak further about this subject,
please feel free to contact me at mysistersgarden@gmail.com and we can
communicate by e-mail or I will share my phone number. Be well. ~ Chris
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