Running the Hamster Wheel
When It’s 93 Degrees—Inside
The
air-conditioning died two weeks ago on Saturday afternoon. I knew the repair
would be pricey. I’d avoided the freon leak repair too long. No longer could I
afford to refill the freon. I had to get the leak beneath the concrete slab of
my house fixed. I was daunted knowing I faced a $1200-plus repair. However,
that despair was minimal as I watched the thermostat creep up, up, up inside on
an August day in Central Florida. Every window was open, the doors were open,
the fans were spinning, and it was 93 degrees inside.
In
spite of being wilted, I had to meet deadlines. I edited until my computer was
hot to the touch, and knew that wouldn’t work. It’s a desktop, so skipping off
to the nearest Starbucks wasn’t an option. Instead, at 8 p.m. that Saturday
evening, I began the race to find a window unit before every store closed at 9
p.m. Sebastian Walmart, none. Vero Beach Walmart, none. Home Depot, no, too
expensive. Lowe’s, no, again too expensive. Best Buy? Maybe. I found the last
unit tucked in a corner on the floor in the rear of the store. The clerk
carried it to the counter, where I paid for it. He asked if I needed a cart to
get it to my car. Five-foot, two, 115-pound, weakling that I am, I said, “No. I
need a person.”
My
neighbor installed the unit in my bedroom window Sunday afternoon as I was
lying on the sofa in a near-faint from the heat. A few hours later, I began to
recover in a cooled room, icy drink still in hand.
Monday
morning, computer in my room, I got back to work. Tuesday morning, the
air-conditioning repairmen arrived. By 3:30 or so, the house was beginning to
cool. Not so cool was my near-sub-zero checking account balance.
I
continued to meet my deadlines, and the checks started rolling in. I paid my
bills and began to ponder a new computer purchase. Mine has been a workhorse
for six years, a long happy life for a desktop iMac. I don’t want to risk being
without a computer, so I am thinking it’s time for an upgrade. The upgrade
would allow me to continue working and earning. To meet my responsibilities—the
payment on this 1800-square-foot house, utilities, repairs (such as
air-conditioning). It hit me that I needed a new (expensive) computer to keep
working to pay for my too-large (expensive) house and maintenance
(often-expensive) and just keep going, going, going. It then hit me that I work
to pay for my house and I work to pay for air conditioners and I work to pay
for a new computer so I can continue working to pay for all these things and
all this stuff that I think I need, but just might not.
In
the meantime, because I have been working to pay for a lifestyle that doesn’t
meet the true needs and desires of my soul, my soul is not fed. Until yesterday,
it had been two weeks since I exercised. Until right now, it has been months
since I wrote more than a scribbled word or thought on a piece of paper. I’m
tense, I’m anxious, and I’m not particularly joyful.
I
am on the hamster wheel and I’m running, running, nowhere and while running,
I’m running past all that gives my life meaning.
Today,
I got off the wheel. I’ll be back on it for a time while I continue to work
today. But I’m exploring ways to stay off the wheel and live in such a way that
the true needs and desires of my soul are met, so that my soul is fed, and in
the process I can feed others.
